A long long, as-long-as-my-penis-is-fat-and-well,-long, long time ago, I was a first-year Literature student in a classroom full of computers, mice and boobs, attached to thoraxes that led down to half as many vaginas… and pubes.
It was winter, the wind outside was doing stuff to other stuff and I really don’t care to think of any weird verbs that act on wordy nouns because the room was full of BOOBS! Weren’t you listening to yourself, reading this aloud at your office while your boss was passing by, making an angry face, that bastard? Perhaps you were masturbating, you sick man, scanning your co-workers’ glance to be safely averted from you. You, the sick man, hiding behind your flat screen monitor, wearing the tattered headphones from all the hours of ‘discreet’ porn, while the time-intervals of checking your frowning environment lessens and lessens, as your active member grows and grows, and your eyes turn into suction cups, attaching themselves, figuratively at first, to that big, brown, puffy nipple of an ageing tranny-granny, who bounces up and down up and up and down on her own remnant of a dick, while you squeeze out a faint, “Come on!...Nieh!...GRANNY, nieh, Granny honey”. You promise to yourself, No! This time I will not pull it out, I will just push the head hard with my thumb over the jeans, like that, yeah like that. But then you’re ready and you cannot hold it any longer and you jump from your leather office chair (which by now rolls back a feet or two and crashes on its back, sporting a sweaty skid mark on the seat), your monstrous penis miraculously between your jouncing hand while your mouth screams: “TAKE IT! TAKE IT GRANNY, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, I LOVE YOUUUUU, AAAAAAAHHHHH……… maybe”. And after a moment of awkward, slippery silence your Boss rages: “Leave the office and never come back, Alex Purple.” ...Oh yeah, haha, that wasn’t you… So where was I?
*****
I’m sitting in an introductory computer class, the kind where commands like ‘Open vile’ and ‘Save ass’ are supposed to be new, when all of a sudden, this gorgeous, absolutely stunning woman comes in, fashionably late. She hopes to find an empty seat other than the one next to me. Haha, what a loser! As if she was the first one who thought of not sitting next to me. Even the wall on my left cracked an “I HATE YOU” on its surface. She shrugs and sits on my right.
“Soooo, you like computers?” I say.
”No, not really, I don’t understand them,” she replies with a Marilyn Monroe-esque voice.
“I hope computers die,” I say, quivering.
She laughed. OH MY GOD, she loves me. Is it possible that I have a shot with her? Quick! Think of something nice to say about her. Let her talk about herself. Beautiful, self-absorbed women love that. But DON’T mention that you masturbate.
“I masturbate.”
“What did you say?”
“Your nails are so great,” I saved under a choke. “What is that?” I continued, pointing at her ornate fingernails, covered with shinny stones and whatnot.
“Well,” she said, and started to go on and on and on about the process of putting stones and glitter on her stupid nails. She was yammering about this special kind of oven, where you place your fingers inside and it cooks the stones, attaching them securely on the nail and how her nail-artist is famous and blah blah blah. All the while I was thinking, Fucking HELL, no beauty queen deserves this kind of torture.“Look honey,” I finally said. “I really don’t give a shit about all this. I thought if I let you do all the talking you might think our conversations were interesting and then you might be interested in me. And frankly, I’m only interested in hand-jobs and I don’t see how you can pull this off with all that shit on your fingernails. So let’s finish this here and never speak to me again. I don’t care how hot you are, because you don’t stimulate me mentally.”
Oh man, can you imagine how cool/gay I would be if I actually said that to her? Too bad I just feigned an interest on something imaginary on her computer screen so I could take her mouse and cope a feel of her boobs with my elbow, then go home and masturbate the shit out of her mental image. It was awesome.