Going to the beach
The other day my brother comes into my bedroom, while I was masturbating, and asks me whether I would enjoy taking our dog Lemmy to the beach. My pure hatred and loathing for that scorching bastard the sun is well known to him but he needed my help I guess and saw no harm in asking. Surprisingly enough I heard my mouth moaning, “Yes, yes,” which was discomforting since, technically, I was still masturbating. And by technically, I really mean furiously.
“Good,” he said. “We’ll be leaving tomorrow, around ten.”
“What, in the morning?” I said surprised, but not in a kinder-egg kind of way. More like my dick in a wood chipper kind of way.
He didn’t reply. He was already regretting asking me, for he knew I would be hangover, drowsy and one hundred kilos. Being fat is hard enough on its own. He started to exit when he turned and said, “My girlfriend would be coming too.”
“Great,” I thought. “Just what I needed. Another person enjoying the merits of sunbathing. Now, I’m outnumbered.”
“Stop bitching. It would be fine,” replied my brother, which was scary since his ability to read minds was unbeknownst to me. “I didn’t read your mind,” he continued. “You were thinking out loud. “
“Oh… But how did you-”
“Whisky!? Heavy on the ice? Just like you like it?”
“Fuck yeah!”
“You were saying?”
“What? Oh yeah, how did you… go to… I don’t remember.”
“That’s alright,” reassured my brother. “Here’s your whisky.”
“He he,” I laughed and shrugged as if this story wasn’t written in the first person.The next morning came shyly and I needed some persuading to wake up. Nothing a swift big toe in the bunghole couldn’t fix though. My piles were itching like crazy too. Good thing my brother’s toenails can scoop ice-cream, if need be, which is more often than you’d think.
“Get up,” he said.
“Mmmm. Just a little longer Mommy.”
“GET UP,” shouted Sergeant Brother.
“Stop pressuring me,” I replied. He hated that phrase so I said it. But then, “Ok-OK, I’m up,” when his hairy armpits were approaching my dry mouth. My eyes twitched and my jaw crooked as if biting on a lemon-slice after a tequila shot. Evidently, it was no way near as much fun. And the tequila was declared extinct at the early morning hours by some crazy barman called Shaboozie. Of course it reappeared (like all decent drinks tend to do), sputtered on my toilet rim, the bowl and the floor, mixed with your everyday stomach acids and a semi-chewed vegetarian sandwich with beef.******
- Hang on a minute, interrupted Alex Purple.
- What? asked me, he, I, the writer.
- How’s that a vegetarian sandwich?
- Beef comes from cows.
- Yes.
- And cows are vegetarians.
- Yes.
- And you are what you eat.?
- Yes!!!
- Well, there you go.
- Mooooo, mooed Alex in approval.The writer knew of his argument’s many flaws. If you followed it through, we were all vegetables eating vegetables. Vagibals. Then again, vegetables are eating dirt. So are we dirt? He thinks so.
******
“Where’s my swimsuit, you thieving bastard,” I accused my brother.
“You’re wearing it, you stupid fuck. You have been for the last week. So you wouldn’t lose it you said.”
“Oh yeah,” I whispered. Hehe, oops. No sense admitting I was wrong though, so I shouted randomly, “Aaaaa la la laaaarghr.”My brother sucked his teeth and shook his head. He picks up his cellular and calls his celluloid. “It’s me baby. We’ll be there in 20 minutes.”
“Mmm mmmoo mmmmmmoo, ooh baby, smooch. Mmmm.” I was kissing my palm, imitating their love puke. “Hahahahaha.” I got punched in the dick.So after 46 minutes, 10 seconds and 849 nanoseconds, give or take an hour, I was taking off my bunny slippers, and was walking (sexily) towards the water. Cold as it were, you couldn’t help but think, Hey that’s refreshing, when it touched your feet, and scream, “Holy Mother of freezing balls,” when it buoyed your retracting balls.
I sat there, watching them put sunscreen on each other like a bunch of grooming chimps, while the sun above (as if he could be below) was employing his full attack on me. My dog Lemmy was, as usual, radiantly clever. He was barking at the waves and attacked each incoming one by drinking it. Brilliant! He is a Rhodes College graduate, majored in Art and poop.
The novelty of ice balls and my reluctant penis was quickly gone and I was ready to go home. But Noooooooo, they wanted to sunbathe. Let’s all be healthy looking and have some skin cancer. So I stayed. For four hours. From eleven to three. And now I’m burned and my skin is peeling off. All I can do is to peel off large patches of salty skin. Then I admire my achievement… then I eat my achievement.
And now I’m wondering: Is eating ourselves what makes as human? I think so.