I ran.
When you leave your country and your stomping ground disappears from under your feet, you find yourself lonely, friendless and doing stuff you could not even imagine doing elsewhere. I was living in Berlin for half a year and I must admit there were times I thought I was going crazy. I had no one friendly to talk to, no computer, no television, no radio and no music. However, a man needs his entertainment. At first I was masturbating all over. All around the clock. I was having breakfast and I was masturbating, I was studying and I was masturbating. I was in the U-bahn, in the classroom, taking instant passport pictures, in jail for public masturbation and I was masturbating. Near the end, I was able to simultaneously drive a car, hand-roll a cigarette, bake a cake and have sex WHILE masturbating. It was awesome. But after some time, like all things, it wore thin. Pun intended. No no! Pun not there. Forget thin. Think FAT! So anyway, the only thing that could keep me occupied and in consequence ‘sane’, was my imagination. I used to think who I was going to be that day and hit the streets, hoping I would find some other tormented soul to unleash my lies. If you wanted to mess with old people, the best place was parks. If young people was what your heart desired then it was the Zoologischer Garten square on weekends. I personally preferred trans-national trains because of the enhanced risk. It was adventurous since you should build your stories in such a way so when two smokers, to whom you lied about different stuff, met in the smoking wagon (with 6 seats) could not realize your lies when you conversed with both of them again. I know it’s weird and perverted but I was bored and rape is illegal in Deutschland… Just kidding. It is not.
I was many people. Some personas that come from the top of my head are : doctors, photographer for the national geographic, for playboy (I stole that from HST), for the police, lawyer, green peace activist, woman (transsexual), bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual, asexual, pansexual, actor, writer, artist, famous in my country for something stupid (very fast eating of imaginary national dish, beer drinking, ability to make my eyes bloodshot red quickly), journalist, undercover field agent for the CIA assigning jobs to everybody, orphan, hobo. You name it. I was everything and everyone.
The best prank though, which I used to pull on people, and the reason for writing the introduction above, scared the hell out of my female victims in the U-bahn (subway) and I loved every second of it. I pulled it whenever I felt like making people feel weird and estranged like I was. I’m a real asshole like that. So it went something like this:
I got on a subway wagon, looking drunk and menacing and stood in a corner. If you are actually drunk, it helps. I was wearing black; leather army-boots, jeans, and a long leather jacket, jam-packed with concealed weaponry… supposedly. Sometimes I wore wool t-shirt and underwear so I would sweat and look more edgy and in trouble. (Remember my secret talent of making my eyes bloodshot red very quick? I used that too). Then I scanned the wagon for any potential victims. I targeted some and worked them a while to see if they were ripe. I would pick one and stare at her until she was very discomforted. While doing so, I also fiddled inside my jacket’s pockets for ‘knives and Uzis’ and re-arranged my stinky balls; smelling my fingers sexily etc. After some intense staring, I advanced at her threatfully and when she was about to scream I changed direction and stood by the door. At the next stop I got off and I could feel her exhaling redeeming puffs of relief and perhaps even feeling bad for misjudging me. “He wasn’t bad after all. Phew!” What she didn’t know, was that I ran and stepped on an adjacent wagon, preferably the one in front of her own and watched her secretly from the window at the back; waiting patiently. When she stood up, seconds before her stop, being all relieved and thankful, I was also ready to rock. I got off and waited for her on the platform; standing still, leaning lightly to my toes, arms spread wide on my sides, wrists loose, neck slightly curved front and bloodshot frowning eyes watching her. She felt someone watching her but it couldn’t possibly be me. No way. I was miles away, she was being paranoid that’s all. Suddenly our eyes met. Her heart leaped and she turned yellow. She shat herself, her breathing paused for 10seconds, and confusion overwhelmed her. Questions of my being there was in her mind. Supernatural questions: “how, but he got off, what the, but, he is here when he was 5 stops down there, oh mein Gott, today I die, it’s the devil, der Teufel” and many more. Then she screamed and cried, running away from me and I would laugh. Oh man it was so funny, every fucking time, hahahahaha. I was flat out on the floor laughing my intestines out, grabbing people randomly retelling them my prank in ecstatic Greek. I was laughing so hard that airy laughter came from my ass. But then an ominous tap on my shoulder halted everything. I turned slowly and it was a police officer; the victim was behind him, sobbing.
“What’s going on here?” asked the police man.
“Well let me explain,” I answered while standing up and dusting off, “the thing is,” and I ran.