I think I’m going crazy you guys. I know some of you already suspected that and are thinking: “NOW you realize that, you handsomest of the Purples? The ship did not only sail but it had sunk, after a swirly tempest, the crew’s eyes are well-eaten, and the ship’s compass points to hell.”
Sometimes ship sounds like sheep… especially if you’re not English or something similar. That’s why Cypriots never conquered anybody. The captain was all like: “Men, man your ships!” And the sailors mounted their sheep and led them to the sea until their bleats were gargled to silence. Oh man, I know there’s a joke here but where?… Something with Hannibal Lector and Jodie Foster (who reminds of a sheep by the way… haha, that Irony).
But it’s not only that. The other day I was having an exam when all of a sudden I ran out of paper. “Can I have a clean piece of sheet”, I said. And the teacher took a crap on my table. At least it was a clean shit… sort of… as clean as shit can be… you know what? It wasn’t clean. Unless you waited… I will wait…
Speaking of flies, what is going on with those bastards these summer days? They’re all sucky and bitey. I only have one ambition in life and that is to invent the mechanical apparatus that will establish a line of communication between humans and flies. Think about it. How much does a fly need to eat? And yet they ruin my dinner. I’ll be all like:
“Hey Fly General, what do you guys want to eat?”
And the General will reply:
“Oh well, a bit of this ,a bit of that… all of it on a clean piece of sheet.”
“Shit?”
“Sheeeeeet!”
“Ok-ok, I thought I should ask since the other day I was having an exam when-”
“Shut up, I don’t care.”
And I will amass a bit of everything, no more than a spoonful for the whole Fly platoon, set it away from the kitchen table and all will be cool and breezy. Happiness all around. No more hungry flies, no more raging, spasmodic hand gestures in a desperate attempt to shoo, while screaming “I will rape you stupid fly.”
And another thing, do you know how on those pharmaceutical crèmes it reads “For external use only”? I’ve been thinking. If a crème, that is bad for you when swallowed, is so good at skin-related issues, how good will an edible crème be for the same skin deficiencies? Therefore, why not use custard crème against skin cancer, for example? I think there is something here, but the big companies don’t want us to know, lest we stop buying their “regular” skin-cancer-treating crèmes. As if custard is any worse. We’re on to you authority figures of big corporations... We’re on to you!!!
And what of the toothbrush. A piece of crap wasting the hard-earned money that my parents give me every month. As if we cannot think of a better solution that cleans two teeth with one bite. I present to you: Pasty O’Bread.
