Let's eat the photographer
Lordi
Moments like these are so rare that should be highlighted with a neon-colored marker next to a memo-stick reading “WTF?”. Society has the obligation to stand attentive and observe closely this magnificent beast of nature... and goddamn it, someone must write about it.
By now the frequent readers populating this shitty website realized that I loathe deeply the Eurovision singing contest. Therefore, it is not surprising to see me excited when Eurovision participants like Lordi step in to KICK SOME FUCKING ASS!!!
Let's eat the photographer
Oh man! A full-blown massacre is heading Athens and I just felt my dick standing up. Lordi hits the stage on May so bring your raincoats because blood will be gushing and kids will be crying (when not so busy dying). I can't wait.
But seriously now, can you imagine them, going up the stage with axes and chainsaws, munching on some baby legs and spitting lava? Fuck yeah!
Here’s why Lordi are superheroes:
1) They’re so disgusting and scary that make children cry vomit.
2) Cypriot parents actually picked up the phone and complained to the Eurovision broadcasting channel about Lordi’s external appearance (I’m not making this up). They claimed that these 'atrocities' should be banned from television. Well 'unfortunately', Lordi are the choice of Finnish people so gaywipe Cypriots must suck it up. Too bad you cannot censor this also, you fucking bitches, cutting all the titties from TV, as if sex is illegal. I didn’t see you not having it, Mr. too-proud-for-a-condom Parent.
3) They are ruining the gentle nature of the audience by making them feel nearly as shitty as they made me feel over the years. All those fruity songs and laughter and ponies with wings and pink kittens and happy elves and more singing and snow-white sexing with dwarfs, oh how I despise the happy dwarfs completely oblivious to the fact that most people hate midget-porn, all of them parading on my Misery Street… stepping on me, pointing their laughing fingers to my face... why!? Why you bastards?…. WHYYYY!?!?........…ahem.
4) When I first saw them, I sneered “Great, another Six feet Under/Slipknot kind of shit.” I stand corrected. Lordi are decent on stage, playing their songs without putting on an extravagant show. In fact, stupid audiences around the world complain they are not as psychotic as they seem (they don’t pee on them etc.). To my book, this is ALL balls; rocking balls! They point out that appearance should not be the judge of content and take the piss out of everything ‘their’ genre represents, by making a ‘half-assed’ job at it. “Looking like a monster does not make you one, morons”. That’s what they say.
5) Most importantly, their music fucking ROCKS. And that’s what matters goddamn it. The music. No, that's bullshit, what's important is to make people feel something different and think unwanted thoughts. That and musturbation. Yes masturbation is king. Anyway, the Finnish people realized Lordi is the ultimate answer to this faggy contest and they acted on it. My vote lies with them.
6)And finally, if they win it will be so funny I’ll die.
******
Pass this around and help me die from laughter. I'm sending it to their official site, asking them for an interview. If they deny or eat me accidentally, I'll just make one up.