The Revenge of the Moviegoer.
Do you enjoy going to the cinema but you get pissed off with the annoying children running around, laughing and screaming and kicking your seat while their parents smile at you thinking their brats are cute and you just want to watch the film which, you paid your hard earned money for, only to be more pissed with the flamboyant ringing tones of stupid “patrons” who refuse to turn them off no matter how many announcements? Well <inhale> … me too! So what you should do the next time a mobile starts screaming in your ear?...Wear your evil smile, grow horns and fight fire with LAVA!
How to be super obnoxious in a movie theatre:
- Watch the film beforehand and say everything just before it happens. Note: The unexpected ending should be stated right at front. "Oops!"
- Brag to everybody that you really haven’t seen it but you know everything because of the predictability in movie scripts nowadays.
- Moan about how the seats are lumpy and ask for everybody's opinion. Then start a petition and miss them the good parts.
- Talk to your neighbor, nonstop, about your piles, herpes and STDs.
- Scratch your butt-hole and offer her a sniff.
- Laugh loudly when it’s not funny.
- Stand up and shout at everybody to stop laughing when it is.
- Crank your phone’s ringer to maximum and train your dog to press redial every five minutes.
- Don’t answer the call and explain: “It’s my girlfriend allright?! That BITCH! I’m not speaking to her. So SHUT Up! I am NOT answering!” and let it ring indefinitely.
- When someone macho is pissed off at your ringing say: “Hey asshole I would be careful if I were you” and blame it on the person next to you.
- Start a fight and :
- Pretend you “accidentally” hit women & children so more people will be dragged into the fight.
- Beat the crap out of the women & children and laugh.
- Slip your self out of the fight and let the police imprison the “trouble makers”.
- Laugh and finger point them, then act innocent for the cops.
- When the film restarts say: “It was about time! I paid a lot of money for this and those hooligans ruined it. Young people today...” and suck your teeth in disapproval like an old man.
- If the film has intermission put on your headphones and hum real loud.
- If not, still do it, but HUM LOUDER BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HEAR YOURSELF HUMMING OVER THE 5.1 SURROUND SYSTEM. Make sure is Death Metal and occasionally head-butt someone to death.
- Use : La-la-las.
- In scary movies, “cover” the tits of the girl in front of you and say: “We don’t want these babies getting scared now do we?” and smile at her sleazily.
- Then breathe heavily down her neck and whisper praising words to your master, Satan.
- Punch the kid near you and when it tells on you, pretend you look for the nasty perpetrator too.
- Bring your G-I Joes and stage fights on the heads of the people in front of you.
- Use : extra mouth-effects and spit all over the place.
- When 'patrons' are annoyed with your happy playtime, held them at gunpoint.
- Bring gun.
- Say you are a better stunt director than the one of the film and prove it with the help of your G-Is.
- If you loose your audience’s attention; cock gun.
- Ask the projector operator to rewind because you weren't paying attention.
- Masturbate when there is a love scene OR shout: “LOVE SUCKS” and kick a puppy.
- If you masturbated, make sure your semen isn’t wasted. Some people love it on their hair.
- Block the projector's light with your dick and make little girls cry. Laugh manically.
- Litter.
- Slap the popcorn off the people's laps and explain to them why littering is bad and why they shouldn't do it.
- Eat gas-provoking food and fart every minute, exhaling sounds of relief so everyone can hear.
- When they disapprove, pretend it was unavoidable, as if you have a medical condition.
- Take off your clothes and streak around frantically, humping everybody’s leg and lick their faces or French-kiss them.
- Afterwards, remember to inform them of your lip herpes and STDs.
- Be like me in Church... "Praise the Lord-ah!"
The points above are some of the few I enjoy doing in a theatre to revenge my ticket-money. You can copy my instructions or... what the hell, be creative. Let loose and have some fun with it. Until the next time, be obnoxious and I hope to see you in the cinemas. I’ll be the one next to you; masturbating turbulently.