My Diary

 

Wednesday, 29th March
Time; 11:53

She was sitting by a coffee table near mine; gorgeous, immaculate, sipping from a steaming cup of coffee. My eyes ran all over her luscious figure. She noticed me. Her upper lip curled in contempt. With a swift motion, she turned her back at me. Most men would be discouraged but not me. I was encouraged… if you can see the ANALogy.

 

Wednesday, 29th March
Time; 23:58

I was in a local bar and a girl who was standing between me and a free summer course in Boston University was there too. A friend of mine heard her bragging and reported it promptly. I ordered her to present herself to me and she did, quite respectfully. Her boyfriend was next to her the whole time, palming her shoulders all protective and shit. Not that I blame him, since I am known to induce immense vaginal excretion and fits of uncontrollable fear. Nevertheless, I was very polite and gentlemanlike:

- When will you forfeit your place so I can go as the 1st runner-up?
- I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m even declining my place.
- What was that wanker?
- Tomorrow.

At that, her boyfriend shifted into stupid motion and said:

-Hey, she is a woman. Don’t call her a wanker.

I thought of explaining to him the use of “wanker” in my vocabulary and how I call everyone a wanker without literal meaning but I ate him instead.

 

Friday, 31st March
Time; 09:39

I’m in the hospital, waiting for a penis reducing surgery. My dozens of girlfriends don’t think is funny to park under it anymore. Plus, my occasional one night stands end up regular girlfriends and I’m way too busy with my knit work right now. But this is not the point. The point is old people and their dementia. An old fart who’s lying next to me is shouting from pain. That little pussy can’t take a little discomfort from a severed leg. He wants painkillers.“Oooh I’m a little crybaby.” The worst part is his cries for his mother’s attention. He actually shouts for his mother to come. What the fuck? He is three hundred years old and he shouts for his mother? By now, one would expect him to realize the cunt is dead, but No!, he wants his mommy. Dear diary, I wraped my arms around his stiff body, constricted him with my endless love, dislocated my jaw and swallowed him head first.

 

Friday, 31st March
Time; 12:10

I’m still waiting to go under the blade. Their scalpels better be titanium if they know what’s good for them. It’s so boring down here. I’m using the buzzer to get some nurse-attention. *bzzzz* Here she comes:

-What’s wrong?
- Nothing
- You buzzed.
- Not me bee, heh.
- Pff!
- Hahaha.

... Still bored. I’m buzzing her again *bzzzzzz*… Oh shit she’s pissed.

- It wasn’t me. Seriously, something’s wrong with your equipment.
- STOP it!!!
- What?!?! Jesus!

Oh man it’s so funny. How could I miss this earlier? I’m doing it again, I can’t help it. *bzzzzzzzz bzz bzz bzzzzzz*

- Ok now I saw you press that buzzer.
- Yeah I know.
- Well!? What seems to be the problem?
- I’m bored.
-So you’re bored. What do you want me to do?
- Dance?
- Aargh!!!
- Ok ok, tell me a joke
- Pff… ok, whatever, so a rabid bunny, a gay hippopotamus and an alcoholic cow walk into a health spa and,
- How’s that funny? I’m not laughing missy…
- SCREW YOU, you fucking asshole, DIE!
- HahahahahaHAHAAAAAAAAA.

Ok, I admit it. It was kind of funny. :)

 

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