Me: Good morning sir. I must say, I’m a very big fan of yours. BIG FAN. I’m ecstatic to have you here with me.
AIDS: Happy to be here too, but please call me AIDS.
Me: Ok, AIDS. I remember when I was young, the days I spent dreaming of us two, chatting about this and that, laughing and stuff. Really it's an honor.
AIDS: Heh. Well it’s an honor to be here as well.
Me: OH Th..
AIDS: Just kidding. HAHAHAHA.... Sorry.
Me: Today, of course, is the World AIDS Day and I grabbed the opportunity to praise you, as you so well deserve. Tell us a bit about yourself. You're finally moving along in life. Or should I say, death!? Hahaha.
AIDS: Haha. Yes, people do seem to die for my attention.
Me: Hehe... What’ve you been up to lately?
AIDS: As you well know, I’m a virus. I love to run along veins. Camp in arteries and mess with people’s immune system. I eat white cells, KFC and lately been chilling in ninjas' kendos.
Me: There is an urban myth going around, that you kill people. Is this true?
AIDS: No, of course not. It’s a goddamn lie. As I said before, I tamper with one’s immune system and they end up dying from a sneeze. Isn’t that the funniest prank ever?
Me: HAHAHA. Dying from a sneeze!? Hilarious. So, actually, what you really do is separate the MEN from the sissies?
AIDS: Exactly.
Me: Heh.
AIDS: Best.
Me: Yes… Another common conviction is that you originated from homosexuals. I know that’s bullshit but please explain to your readers how come this is totally false.
AIDS: People’s bigotry sometimes goes beyond anything normal. In fact, homosexuals are just victims of war. Collateral damage if you will.
Me: How so?
AIDS: Listen, I HATE people…
Me: Who doesn’t?, hehe.
AIDS: …so I came up with a way to prevent people from having any more children. That’s all! I know sex without a condom is much nicer but the kids' crying, or even worse, laughter doesn’t worth it. And let’s face it, men last longer and everybody wins.
Me: That’s brilliant. I love you!
AIDS: Thanks. Am I right?
Me: Yes you are.
AIDS: Who’s your daddy?
Me: You are.
AIDS: That’s better.
Me: Do you have anything against heroin addicts because some people say..
AIDS: It pisses me off. NO! Of course not. Heroin addicts ROCK. They just have to be more careful. They don’t have to exchange needles and shit. You do realize whose fault is this, don’t you? The goddamn governments of the fucking world who illegalize drugs, keeping the prices sky-high, the people misinformed and the heroin cut. These are your criminals.
Mitch Hedberg: That’s right.
Me: I know.
AIDS: Heroin addicts don’t want babies. And if they happen to make one, they let it die like in that movie, Trainspotting.
Me: That was funny. Heh.
AIDS: It’s funny because it’s true. Hahaha, Do you watch Family Guy? Great stuff.
Me: Yes. Excellent. Well I think that’s about it, AIDS. Thank you very much for this enlightening interview. [AIDS nods approvingly] Any last words you would like to say to your fans?
AIDS: Last words eh? Hm. Butt sex is awesome! For me at least. Shit is energy. And get rid of those stupid red ribbons. It’s as if some cunt menstruated on your lapel. Not that that's bad ;)
all hail King AIDS