The Flirt
The lengths that some people go to prove a point surprises me still. Seriously, the amount of bullshit coming out of their mouths (were it real) could fill the universe… twice.
I’m lying on a sunbed, by a semi-sandy beach, the other half being pebbles and dog poop, somewhat drowsy from all the rum and the hypnotically sounding waves, when my Ex, who happened to come along camping to the SAME FUCKING PLACE AND TIME as I did, sat by the foot of my bed. I cracked my eyes open, just enough to see whose body was scrumming mine off the sunbed. Of course it would be hers. Who else’s? Then her friend came by, asked if she could sit on my towel resting on the dirt, I refused and she went ahead anyway. Great!
“Hey, you’re fat,” my Ex repeated for the 100th time that day.
“Ok.”
“Boing boing,” she went as she poked my kickass beer belly and laughed.
I sighed. Then, “What do you want?”
“If you don’t lose some weight, I won’t put out.”
“I don’t care.”
“Yes you do.”
“Ok. Shut up.”
“See!?”
“Yeah yeah,” and I closed my eyes, ignoring her like the Shaolin monk I am.
Her thumb and middle finger forced my eye open. A reluctant eye, still high on alpha waves, was staring at her ecstatic face. Her friend was laughing.
“Don’t fall asleep. I want to tease you.”
“Ffffffff…”
“You know you like it when I tease you, I’m NEVER leaving you alone,” and she laughed like a mouse (yes mice can laugh... and they can hate you too… but most of them are nice… except John. John’s a douche).
“For fuck’s sake. I don’t like it. You’re NOT cute! Get over it. Roll away you fat Mrs. Celluloid, with your stupid bulbous eyes and your chinless chin.”
“A-ha," exclaimed my Ex. "This means I HAVE a chin but my chin does not have one. Therefore,”
“You know there’s no way in HELL, you could think and say that, right?” I interrupted.
“You’re awesome, Alex,” shouted my Ex, surprised with her uncontrollable mouth.
“See? I’m just giving you lines and you say them.”
“OMG, do me right now! Heeeeeyyyyyy, I didn’t say that,” said my Ex.
“Heh.”
So none of this really happened but she was annoyed by my insults. She shunned her face, and turned her back on me childishly. “You’re a jerk.”
“This is how you flirt, huh?” said my Ex’s friend to me.
At that, my Ex revived like a dick approaching Knightley’s mouth. Like so:
And then it dawned to me. Some women, especially my ugly Exes, are such attention-whores that are eager to misinterpret ANYTHING as flirt.
“Yes," she said. " My Alex is always pretending to be a loathing bastard (which I don’t. It’s damn real). He’s real cute that way (you KNOW I’m pissed off most of the time). I love his little angry flirts.”
GODDAMN IT! Why is it so hard to believe that I’m seriously pissed off? I’ll tell you why. Because your super-inflated ego cannot even process *dislike* and it categorizes everything under *Flirt*. You stupid bitches.
Examples of two attention-whores:
- OMG, my boyfriend is sooooooo jealous. I love it. He calls me all the time to control what I’m doing. OMG, he never lets me wear sexy clothes because he gets superjealous and then breaks into a rage, beating me until his knuckles bleed.
- Oh-My-God, you are so lucky. He bleeds for you.
- I knowwww, he’s such a flirt!
OR
- Ok, seriously now, John is sooooo in love with me.
- The douche mouse?
- No! This man I’m seeing now, silly. Tee hee hee.
- Oh!
- Yeah… last night… OMG, I’m so happy I can’t even say it… Ok-ok, sshhh. He… raped me!!!! AAAAAA!!!!
- AAAAA!!! I’m so jealous right now. I wish my boyfriend was raping me.
- Yeah, it’s such a compliment.
Nobody’s flirting with you ALL THE TIME. Snap out of it and learn the difference.
the end,
p.s. My Ex is sort of hot and I bang her amply… heh!
p.p.s. She told me to add the "hot" part so she wouldn't retract the "banging" part. I concurred.