I hate Jane Austen
I’m an English literature student and this year everything is all about Jane Austen. For those who don’t know her, she is an old spinster with no friends, sex life or mIRC, so she sees it fit to ruin my life with her shitty ‘marriage’ stories.
I think Jane Austen hates me personally because one time I said to my girlfriend I don’t want to marry her. Ever. According to Austen this is some kind of sin. She pleaded to God to put it in the deadly sins list, alongside with raping children (as if that’s bad). That meddling fat bitch. Anyway, I don’t see why we have to study that pile-o-dung Pride and Prejudice. This worthless novel of hers, as well as all the others, engages with the subject of MARRIAGE. “Oh goody, let’s talk about marriage and dresses and flowers. No.. better yet, let’s write 150 thousands words about it and piss everyone off. Yeah let’s do that instead!”. W-H-O C-A-R-E-S. If I wanted to hear about marriage I’d rent a girlfriend from the store. So anyway…
The novel begins in the house of the Bennets. Mr. Bennet has 5 daughters and a bitchy wife. Obviously, Mr. Bennet wants to die right from the beginning but he doesn’t because I believe he turned into a giant vagina himself. Naturally, he hates them all for turning him into his present state but pretends he doesn’t by spending his time avoiding them in his library. I suspect he cries in there like the pussy he is and occasionally brands his ass with hot heart-shaped steel, but I could be wrong. After all he is seventy years old, so hearts&love are not his thing anymore. Perhaps it’s a Werther’s-Original-shaped steel. Who knows! Anyway, I don’t really blame him but I think it’s high time for Mr. Bennet to grow some balls and start acting like a man if he wants my respect.
If I were to magically transfer into Mr. Bennet’s body this would be the opening scene of :
Ride and Pre-ejaculation
Mr. Bennet sits in his library and sobs quietly while massaging his hemorrhoids. A blinding flash of light approaches slowly to his nearby window and he stares at it in awe. The light is Me and I possess him. I kick his soul out and take over his sorry ass. Mr. Bennet’s immediate crotch area bulges and some chest hair grow. He is turning into a man. The fish-stench of the vagina fades and some divine manly odors fill the otherwise stinkin’ place yo. He tucks an UZI under his coat and exits the library. He follows his soon to be f.u.b.a.r family’s obnoxious laughter to the kitchen. They’re having fun. He hates fun. He walks in, pretending he is still a giant vagina and all.
Lydia: Oww.. papa, pray tell us what news you bring from Netherfield.
Kitty: Why, yes father. Please do tell. Did not you find the rich Mr. Bingley to be quite the gentleman?
Mary: Did he say to whom he would be marrying?
Jane: Was it to me father?
Lizzy: Was it to me?
Mrs. Bennet: Come Mr. Bennet, don’t keep us all waiting.
<A surround, giddy laughter pollutes his ears.>
Mr. Bennet: Shut the Fuck UP, hoes. What’s wrong with yo? Can’t you see you are fucking ugly? Hideous English tarts… Damn you women, who would want to marry you? Haven’t you noticed me, NOT raping you?
Lizzy: Oh yes, we were wondering about that mon papa. Tee hee hee.
Mr. Bennet: Goddamn it! You retards… there’s no getting through you, is it?
< Mr. B pulls out his trusted UZI >
Mrs. Bennet: What is that my Lord?
Mr. B: It’s a cap buster!
Lydia : Ooooohhh, cups can mean only one thing!!!
All of them: Teaaaaaa!!!
Lizzy: And crumpets…
Jane: And bread and butter.
Mary: I shall have a whole pot!
Mr. Bennet soothes his migraine, massages the trigger and lets loose while laughing manically... It is soon over. The muzzle smokes calmly.
End of Chapter I. Good riddens.
[The rest of the book involves Mr. Bennet raising hell around Britain , raping kids and drinking beer with his buddies; the Vikings. The final chapter ends with him finally leaping out of the page in Austen’s house, ripping her clothes off, and preparing to deflower the ugly maiden. When she is all wet and ‘flashed’, he tucks his dick back in and rides to the pub for some more beer. Hahaha. He laughs Viking-ly and she cries womanly.]
FINIS
