The saddest pizza in Italy retorts gibberish.
Yesterday I was thinking about ‘Thinking’ and how much of that I do all day long in my mind and penis. People come to me and say: “What’s wrong Alex, you used to be funny and crazy everyday except Tuesdays and Thursdays from 23:00 to 1:00 . I remember you upper-cutting everyone with your saliva and head-banging to the lamest songs because you were such a badass. Now all you do is think about thinking” Then this dudette would look at me disappointedly and spit on me with her vagina. And I’ll be all like “Hey stop it, you spurting vagina” but I won’t because I suck since last month. I feel that I should stop taking crap from anyone anymore… no, that’s not what I feel, I feel that I should poo. Pooing is awesome. I will write a poem:
In my beautiful intestines,
there lies a beast.
He cannot tell the truth,
no matter how many punches I lay on his brown yeast.
I type all articles with one hand because my other two are thumb-wrestling in my ass:
<Knock-Knock> Wait, someone’s at the door...
…my dad wants to kick me in the eye because I did that thing I do to the remote control again and he wanted to use it with my mother and now it’s all wet. Thank you Jesus, my lover, for taking my eyes away when I said: “I want the lights on, Jesus darling”. He turned them on and took my eyes. He is shy with his weight like that. I love tossing my head around when I play the piano now as Ray did. Ray was Jesus’ ex bitch and Jamie Fox sometimes wishes his Oscar© was a woman with a penis. I wish I could fit into Ray’s shoes one day. Ray was a Bigfoot.
See?
While I was getting my eye sockets kicked in, I decided to shit my pants. I hope that I won’t shit on the thumb-wrestlers. The right one is a woman’s hand. I use it when I masturbate to make you jealous. It belonged to a real woman with a penis once and when she left Jamie, I cut off her hand and tucked it in my rectum for safe keep. Jamie sometimes howls at nights for his hand and it hears him and wants to travel through Scotland like Lassie to find little crying Jamie. I have the tightest sphincter in the universe so tough shit Jamie Vixen...
I actually like Jamie and Ray. What’s with me yo? I wish ma nigga wiv da attitude was here to help me.
- My grandfather used to tell me : Jerk a guy’s dick off and he’ll be happy for a day. Teach him to masturbate and he will be happy forever.
- And I replied : Take a man, any man and teach him to masturbate and you will have a man friend no more. He will stay indoors forever, jouncing the pastrami until is pizza material.
Sometimes when I cry alone in bed, I wish I was a pizza. I would be the saddest pizza in Italy .
If I was a pizza for real I would totally kiss my boyfriend’s vagina and give him a dead horse’s head and a note reading: “Revengio mio amore. Stinko mano. Revengio!” in a strong accent from Sicily or Paris or something totally Italian like that. It would rock. Fin.